“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted.
”

“On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”

“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.”

“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but—
-Is his name Molloway?
-No.
-Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why I was asking.”