“I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.”

“The man who pulled my winning raffle ticket out of the hat said I was one lucky guy. I guess he didn’t see me standing next to my clone, so I replied, “I am two lucky guys.”

“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.”

“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”

“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell in love, when I saw how serious it all was.”

“It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it was love, two years before.”

“I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?”