“I have women all over the world. In New York, London, Los Angeles. I think what they find most appealing about me is the distance.”

“I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think it’s absurd and naïve to think that. Oh, Satan exists, but he’s a puppy dog compared to politicians and lobbyists.”

“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.”

“What I like most about reading is I can read in minutes what it took the author hours to write. What I like most about writing is readers can read in minutes what it took me seconds to write.”

“I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.”

“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.”

“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.”