“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.”

“I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor. 
”

“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.”

“I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?”

“I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”