“I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.”

“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When I found out I was going to be a father, I wanted to meet a man I’d never met—my dad, who also just found out he was a father when I introduced myself. I never got to tell him I loved him before he died, but from the way I gently but forcefully held his head underwater, I think he could tell.”

“I find it more polite when I yawn without opening my mouth. I also talk this way too, with my mouth closed.”

“I took the wheels of my bike off in support of your bicycle race to support bike riding.”

“A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get out from under my blanket and go out and grab the very thing I most desire. 
”

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”