“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.”

“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.”

“I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.”

“In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.”

“I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.”

“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.”

“I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.”