“I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.”

“I once had a professor who could condense an entire lecture into a can of frozen orange juice. Talk about hard to concentrate.”

“Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate).
 It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.”

“Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.”

“Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.”

“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.”

“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, and affix a prosthetic leg to that guy—who happens to be my piano teacher. Mr. Balloonky, you get down from there now!
”