“I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.”

“There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I want to tell them to go sip on gossip and leave the coffee talk for me to chug.”

“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.”

“I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.”

“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can’t be worse than the other guy.”

“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.
”

“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I have a drinking problem.”