“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”

“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.”

“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I spend my time saving money, I spend my money saving time, and I labor hard to not labor hard.”

“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.”

“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.
”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”