“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.”

“When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks.
”

“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).”

“I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.”

“Do you want to guess what's in here?" I asked Dash."I think I've got it figured out already. There's a new supply of red notebooks in there, and you want us to fill them in with clues about the works of, say, Nicholas Sparks.""Who?" I asked. Please, no more broody poets. I couldn't keep up."You don't know who Nicholas Sparks is?" Dash asked.I shook my head."Please don't ever find out," he said.”

“Nicholas Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare.”