“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who only has an English degree that’s not even worth the paper it’s printed on, the paper I folded into an origami dragon and lit on fire.”

“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.
”

“I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2 pounds).”

“It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the manager’s desk, just enjoying the good life. In essence, this job enables me to be a real writer, because here I am writing, and getting paid to do it.”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar have some real value.”

“Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell only lies. Not only that, but the island has a population of two, and I am the other inhabitant.”