“I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.”

“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.”

“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.”

“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please accept my apology, and please accept me.”

“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give it to someone who will. Every other Christmas I get the gift of fruitcake—and I think it’s the same loaf that I gave to that person the year before.
”

“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.”

“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy. 
”