“I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.”

“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?”

“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those hookers?!”

“In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that's logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.”

“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”

“I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.”

“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.”