“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”

“I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.”

“I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.”

“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

“My hand inside a glove is like a painting in a frame, and should be insured as such. The things my hand makes have immense value, so how much more valuable is the thing that makes the things?”

“I surround myself with salt, so it soaks up the humidity from my steamy solo love making sessions.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”