“I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.”

“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.”

“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.”

“The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.”

“-Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are.
-What makes you think I don’t own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that I’m ugly. But every time I make them laugh, I get to show them what beauty really is.
-I see what you mean. Here, take my rearview mirror. I don’t need to carry it around like a vagina on a rope anymore.
-Mr. Thrustsalone, you don’t need to drag a vagina on a rope like some kind of pet on a leash to make you happy. There’s a reason why God invented right hands and hookers.
-Why, so politicians could have more productive ways to spend their time and our money than engaging in politics?
-Mr. Thrustsalone, you are wise beyond your years.
-I’m 88 years old.
-Yet you don’t look a day older than 87.”

“When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.”

“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.”