“I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.”

“I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.”

“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).”

“I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.”

“I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going to be attracted to a guy out in public not wearing his gas mask?”