“I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same, and the things that stay the same are the things I wish changed.”

“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.”

“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.”

“Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got swallowed up by the least shiny object in the universe—a black hole.”

“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.”