“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”

“I’m too impatient to be impatient, as impatience often wastes time through repetition and redundancy.”

“I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.”

“If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

“I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.”

“I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven, but I’d vehemently disagree. It’s not an ice cube, it’s an ice sculpture—of your heart, and it’s melting at this very moment.”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”