“I live in Florida, and when people ask how close to the beach I am, I say, “Twelve minutes or twelve hours. Depends on which beach you want to go to.”

“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.”

“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the beach, please.” To which the bartender responds, “Sorry, but I’m afraid your penis is too big for me.” “That’s no problem,” the elephant says as he smiles, “how about a double shot of Don’t worry, I brought a few gallons of anal lube.”

“I met her at the beach. Her name was Shelly.”

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if it were a food it would be oatmeal. Cold oatmeal.”

“Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom" or "Dad." It was "No.”