“I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.”

“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.”

“I have a mustache like a squirrel and you just ran over my face.”

“Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not stealing if I take something that isn’t there, even if I do so sneakily and I wait until nobody’s looking. But I don’t care if nobody is looking at me, because stare all day long, nobody doesn’t exist.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.”

“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.”