“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

“My fingernail itches. I need to scratch it with my skin.”

“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.”

“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.
”

“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.”

“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel. I know it was a little indecent, but I didn’t have time to dry off and change out of my wetsuit.”

“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”