“I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.”

“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.”

“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.”

“In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?”

“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

“We were in love. When I say we, I don’t mean her and I. I mean me and my clone were in love with her. But she didn’t even know I existed, just as I didn’t know my clone existed. I still don’t know he exists.”

“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”