“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.”

“If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves are for.”

“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right number, wrong time.”

“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.”

“I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.”

“I’ve been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I’ve been putting it off. I just need to knock it out and be done with it.”

“I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.”