“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.”

“If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves are for.”

“... I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose ...”

“And then I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. “They’re not here,” I said. I knew, as the words left my mouth, that I had just made a deep mistake.”

“Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.”

“That wasn't so bad. She said, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. What was it?That was a Rocky Mountain oyster, also know as a Montana tendergroin.No. I just ate bull's balls?Only one, but yes, you just tore up a tasty testicle. Congratulations!”