“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was absent.”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”

“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.” That’s what I told Renaldo, but how was I to know his girlfriend was literally a shark?”

“I am upset. I have reservations about dinner for two at 8:00. I have reservations about my reservations.”

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.”

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”