“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.”

“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

“I make love like I sing—in a choir, alone in the bathtub.”

“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.”

“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more efficient. It’ll work by eliminating 50% of the people required to make one kid. My target market will be asexuals.”

“I write like I make love: alone in my bathtub, as I let the fantasy overflow and wash over me.”