“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.”

“Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.”

“I’m a four-time Pulitzer Prize winning admirer. I’m also a 16-time Olympic medalist observer (I saw Michael Phelps on TV).”

“If I ever meet Michael Phelps, I’m going to tell him that I am that Michael Phelps of random thoughts. Then I’ll challenge him to a game of pool.”

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”

“I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.”

“Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.”