“I may not be the greatest American, but I am a better American than all the people born in Canada that still live in Canada. I wish Justin Bieber were one of those people.”

“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.”

“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup. It’s fresh, as I just made it after reading the latest political news.”

“I recognized Rebecca immediately, though it is doubtful whether I registered on her radar. We had a graphic design class together. I always wanted to sit next to her, but the iMacs on either side of her seat were always snatched by two Justin Bieber clones before I even managed to Usher myself into class.”

“When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.”

“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground on all fours in my chair pose so that then there were three chairs and three of us—with one extra seat to spare. I make love the same way—with more orgasms than people involved.”

“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would die to save two more like them.”