“I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.”

“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.”

“Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday. 
”

“Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.”

“One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.
”

“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.
”

“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on top instead of dressing. It was like cabbage soup without the dignity.
”