“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.”

“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.”

“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.”

“I was thinking about how much I wanted to reenact that part in the shower with my hot, sexy, gorgeous girlfriend. And how she wouldn't need a butt double because she's perfect already.""You smooth talker, you.""I was also thinking how much sexier I am than that guy she was screwing in the shower.”

“I bet he's an actual good guy. The kind that I desperately need in my life. The thing of it is, he'll never be mine because he's a good guy. By nature alone, a good guy would never cheat on his girlfriend, hence the impossibility of anything happening between Nash and me. Even if they were to break up, he'd probably be too nice a guy to hurt her like that, by dating her cousin.”

“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was absent.”