“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.
”

“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.”

“I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined look like literature.”

“Things to do in an elevator: Install a glass display, like in a museum, over the floor buttons and have a sign affixed to the glass that reads, “Do Not Touch.”

“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.”

“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.”