“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

“I need to protect myself from myself. And my clone.”

“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.”

“I’ll tell myself whatever I need to hear to stop listening.”

“Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.”

“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago. I needed a plan. I needed an event to take her to. What did I think I was going to do, ask her out to coffee?”

“I don’t need your sympathy, unless it comes in the form of a check or cash. I also accept money orders.”