“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with underwear.”

“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”

“Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn’t help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term “manhole cover” is.”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was really uncomfortable floating on that lake with my thumb up my ass.”

“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is now.
”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“I hate it when I go shopping and leave my wallet at home, in my pants, along with my underwear.”