“I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.”

“I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.”

“Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.”

“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.”

“When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.”

“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.”

“Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and he’s blind, so it went through two language variations and two incompatible methods of travel, like mule to submarine.”