“I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s.”

“When I wear my confessional glove it’s super tempting to give myself a velvet handjob.”

“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.”

“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing.”

“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob.
”

“The glove compartment of my car is empty, but one of these days, I’m going to fill it with an assortment of gloves—everything from boxing gloves to the oven mitts I used when I burned my last bridge.”

“I put gloves on before I put gloves on, so I don’t get my gloves dirty.”