“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).”

“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.”

“I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s.”

“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might have stole my thunder, but I’ve got a tight hold on the lightning.”

“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

“I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please do.”

“I saw a mummy in a movie once, and I’ve got to say I love George Harrison’s style.”