“I once tried out for the Girl Scouts. I only went to one meeting. I ate all their cookies and then left.”

“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.”

“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I might to give it all to just one woman, crumbs break off here and there in meaningless crushes and kisses and—but what am I saying? Baby, you know you’re the only one I’ve given my cookie to. Can I get you a tall glass of milk?”

“I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.”

“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman.”

“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.”

“I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.”