“I once went toe to toe with an international thumb war champion.”

“I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection.”

“I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.”

“She tried to steal the desert. She’s guilty. Look no farther than her camel toe.”

“Do not oppose my opposable thumbs. If you do, we’ll have a thumb war.”

“The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.”

“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.”