“I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor. 
”

“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.”

“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.”

“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who only has an English degree that’s not even worth the paper it’s printed on, the paper I folded into an origami dragon and lit on fire.”

“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”