“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.”

“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.”

“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.
”

“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.”