“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.”

“Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay to sleep through.”

“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually, the first two don’t sound bad compared to the last one.”

“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

“I’m not a consumer, because consumers are consumed with shopping. No, I prefer shoplifting.”

“I just baked a cake in the shape of a door. Somebody’s knocking now, so let me get that.”

“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave.”