“I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single pair of my underwear. I guess she did that so none of my classmates would mistake my lunch for theirs.”

“I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my first two drafts).”

“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?”

“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.”

“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years.”

“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left my innocence in there.”

“I hate it when I go shopping and leave my wallet at home, in my pants, along with my underwear.”