“I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.”

“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something. People who wear clothes are hiding something too.”

“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.”

“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.”

“I wear clothing made out of green screen material, because then I can go chameleon when I edit the photo. And chameleon is better than commando.”

“It’s sad when people want to wear out a perfectly good last name when they don’t have any other pants. Idea for a pen name: Johnny Nudity.”

“I’d never trust a surgeon who didn’t wear gloves when he operated. Even if those gloves he didn’t wear were boxing gloves. He might as well, because I know he’s going to beat me up over the price.”