“I respect people who make eye contact (blind people get a free respect card).”

“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.”

“I’m a guy who respects boundaries. I require a passport for interpersonal travel.”

“Five sicks people in the hospital (56). I made each one a “Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing in their general direction on the 4th of November, and I hope that wasn’t a contributing factor for their illnesses.”

“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something. People who wear clothes are hiding something too.”

“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.”

“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.”