“I run a tight ship. It’s so tight, you could call it a canoe.”

“He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting movement.”

“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might have stole my thunder, but I’ve got a tight hold on the lightning.”

“I would like an extra tight vagina, in a to-go box please. Can I get it with extra gravy on top?”

“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.”

“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.”

“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing a shirt that said, “I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.”