“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.”

“I’d run 26.2 miles to eat a Marathon candy bar.”

“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a marathon, but I always sleep through them—including the one in Boston.”

“I want a driveway so long you couldn’t see the end of it even if you were 26.1 miles into running a marathon on it. But why would you run? That’s why my clone will have invented teleportation.”

“Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.”

“All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.”

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”