“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.”

“Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.”

“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.”

“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.”

“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more efficient. It’ll work by eliminating 50% of the people required to make one kid. My target market will be asexuals.”

“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.”

“I buy black clothes, so I can hide behind my shadow.”