“I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.”

“I used to spend a lot of time in lap pools. Growing up I was on a few swim teams. In Florida all there is to do is surf, swim, golf, and try to pick up single women at the retirement home.”

“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”

“I’ve got a life. I spend all my time dreaming of a new life.”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”

“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I spend my time saving money, I spend my money saving time, and I labor hard to not labor hard.”

“I can do what Olympians couldn’t do. Of course they couldn’t do it because they were infants when I picked a moment in time to compare myself to them.”