“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually, the first two don’t sound bad compared to the last one.”

“I understand, given her track record, "I should use a first and last name-- maybe even the last four digits of their social security number-- when making a reference to one of her boyfriends.”

“Be he the first to stand or the last, a man must stand," the father had told his adoring son. "And if there is only one man, then that man must stand alone." ~Thomas to Bruce Wayne”

“There are two kinds of women. The ones you go to bed with and the ones you wanna wake up with. Lots of the first, not many of the last. If a man's lucky, he'll find the last.”

“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly.
”

“I moaned like a whore in church.To be fair, I’d never actually heard a whore moan in church, but I had a feeling it sounded a lot like the unholy sounds pouring forth from my mouth.”