“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually, the first two don’t sound bad compared to the last one.”

“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly.
”

“He had a last name for a first name, and a last name for a last name, but only because it came after his first name (the one that sounds like a last name). Otherwise, his last name would sound like a first name.”

“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.”

“My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.”

“My last name should be “Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.”

“I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.”