“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.”

“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.”

“According to me I have hypochondria. So if I say I suffer from a condition where a person thinks they suffer from everything, it’s a giant loop! Nobody can say I don’t suffer from it because just by saying I suffer from it I am showing the symptoms of suffering from it.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”