“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.”

“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22”

“I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want to look 158.”

“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one.
”

“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.”

“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.”

“Thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three things. That’s all I need to get by. Oh, and I guess I also need love. Better make that thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty four.”